SubZero, Office Custodian
by Michael Brendan
Summary: So what if it was all a dream and there was no Shao Kahn?  So what if SubZero moved to America to try and gain fortune and fame?  This is my comedic twist to the Mortal Kombat series.  Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Debaser presents

Sub-Zero – Office Custodian

Sub-Zero narrowly dodged the head of the spear as it whizzed past his head. His eyes glowed a baby blue as he carefully studied his opponent. Scorpion, dressed in his traditional Lin Kuei garment, laughed at his opponent as he willed the spear back to him. The specter stared at him with cold, white eyes as he began to strafe to his left.

The Lin Kuei master eyed Scorpion carefully as he began strafing in the same manner. The attack was coming, and it would not give any warning. Again Scorpion threw the spear out, but Sub-Zero skillfully rolled underneath it as the spear sailed out into the void. The Lin Kuei quickly summoned the ancient power of his people into the palm of his hand The very climate in the air began to gather into a ball under his command, and Sub-Zero threw the freezing ball of energy directly into Scorpion's chest. The specter froze solid where he stood with a look of disbelief and panic in his eyes. Sub-Zero stepped forward without emotion and grabbed his frozen opponent by the throat.

"Sub-Zero!" Scorpion's voice growled out and echoed all throughout the void.

With a slight twist, Scorpion's frozen head easily separated from the rest of his body. Blood began to cascade down from the severed head that Sub-Zero now held in his hands.

"Sub-Zero!"

"Hey, Sub-Zero! I'm talking to you!"

"Err, what?!" Sub-Zero said with a startled expression. Reality quickly flowed back into him as he looked around and saw the large office before him. Many blue walls filled the room to form cubicles, and two perfectly clean rows of windows were adjacent of the two walls in the room. The plants that occupied the corners of the room were also looking rather splendid as if an experienced gardener had watered them carefully and properly.

"There's been a spill on the fourth floor that we need you to take care of," a rather large man with a slicked back hairstyle informed him. The man sported a sleazy moustache and a tacky, white button up shirt with a red tie. The brown belt he wore around his black pants looked rather strained, and his black shoes could definitely use a shining. His short, brown hair looked like it had been gelled to hold for a century, and his brown eyes were beady and unfriendly. He looked to be in his late forties, and his voice was commanding. "What did I hire you for? Your looks? Let's get to work."

"Right, Paul," Sub-Zero muttered as he walked toward the room's exit.

"Oh, and could you please do something about the ninja suit, there Subby? This aint China, and I aint amused by your little costume party. You make me wonder what I saw in you," Paul spat as he turned and made his way through the rows of cubicles. Sub-Zero sighed.

There was no Shao Kahn afterall, so go to America, they said. Make a good living instead of living like your father, they said. Find a nice girl, settle down – be a dad. Sub-Zero was starting to believe that his family was completely insane. He could have been a master warrior back in China, but instead he came to America for this? Sub-Zero let out another long sigh as he grabbed his mop bucket and mop and made his way to the elevator.

The mess downstairs was truly amazing. It looked as though someone had spilled an entire party bowl of gelatin and decided to roll around in it. The sticky dessert clung to the tile floor's grout as if to mock Sub-Zero. He would be much happier to play stupid and forget he was ever told about the mess, but he had to admit that this was the easiest part of the job thus far.

As Sub-Zero reached for his mop, a man in black pants with a white button-up shirt and a blue tie stopped and stared at him. The man adjusted his thick glasses and scratched his head, ruffling his unkempt black hair. "Are you…a new guy? Are you a ninja?" he gasped.

"Well I…"

"Because you're sure dressed like one! Oh man, I used to dress up as a ninja every year for Halloween! Ninjas are some cool! I used to imagine that I was a ninja turtle when I was a kid. You remember the Teeenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, don't you? I mean you're a ninja afterall. And I made sure to watch American Ninja every chance I got, and …"

"Okay. I understand," Sub-Zero cut in.

"But then I got hooked on a video game called Ninja Gaiden! The main character's name was Ryu. Is there really any ninjas named Ryu? Ryu would make a great ninja name! I mean there's Ryu from Street Fighter, but I'm not really sure if you could call him a ninja – he's more of a karate guy. And I always begged my mom for a katana so I could be more like a ninja, and …"

The man was cut short as Sub-Zero threw a tiny ball of freeze energy into his chest and froze him in place. "I would rather fight a thousand tarkatans with an arm missing than listen to any more of your dribel!" Sub-Zero shouted in anger as he dipped his mom into the water and wrung it out. He threw the soppy mop onto the gelatin mess and began to clean it up.

Everyone had told Sub-Zere that he'd be perfect for this job because he was so good with water. So exactly how does 'being able to freeze things' translate to 'good with water?' He shook his head as he vigorously rubbed the mop in an extra messy spot to get the gelatin up. It then struck him that he wasn't even on the same floor as the cafeteria. He stopped in his tracks and shook with rage. His muscles bulged with intensity, and he threw the mop to the ground. "Eating outside of the cafeteria is conduct violation! I shall have my revenge!"

--

As Sub-Zero made his way back up to the sixth floor via the elevator, he was surprised and thoroughly sickened to find Paul was standing in the walkway awaiting his return. His boss eyed him questioningly as Sub-Zero approached with his mop and bucket by his side.

"So, did you get the mess clean?" Paul asked in a condescending tone as he stared a hole through Sub-Zero's skull.

"Yes, master. The gelatin is gone," Sub-Zero replied.

"I've told you a thousand times, you circus freak, I'm not your master! I'm your boss. It's a damn good thing you got that clean too. I thought that mess was never going to come out. I guess I've learned not to make a mad dash while holding that big of a mold, right pal?" Paul said to Sub-Zero with a laugh.

Sub-Zero's eyes flashed baby blue as the rage began to build inside of him. It was the boss, the man who knew the rules better than anyone, who had violated floor rules. It was at that precise moment that Sub-Zero realized he had met his mortal enemy. He would one day have his revenge, and it would be sweeter than any gelatin mold.

"Anyway, just keep it down and don't freak everyone the hell out with your little ninja suit there. I'm gonna be busy all day with the servers overheating and going berserk," Paul informed his employee. He then turned and walked out of the hallway. Sub-Zero took a moment to let the information he had been given to sink in. Something overheating? It sounds like an easy enough fix. Maybe there was room for a promotion afterall.


	2. Chapter 2

Sub-Zero yawned through his traditional mask with fatigue. He had been missing plenty of sleep over the past few days. The haunting image of the gelatin splattered across the floor repeatedly crept into his dreams at night. He knew this job was going to be the death of him, and he more than ready to embrace it.

Overall the day had been quiet. None of the obsolete computers had exploded yet, and there had been only one reported stabbing with a letter opener. The victim in the stabbing was Zack anyway; everyone could agree that Zack had it coming.

The major part about the stabbing that annoyed Sub-Zero was the fact that he had to clean up the unworldly mess of blood that had been scattered all over the mail room's tile floor. He heard reports that Zack wouldn't stop rolling around on the floor and bleeding through excited screams. It's a sad day when you simply won't admit that you had this coming because of small issues like bleeding to death, Sub-Zero thought.

A rather loud thud on against the tile floor indicated to the warrior that his boss, Paul, was slowly approaching. He looked up to see his employer and was quite grateful that his mask was hiding the sickened look that instantly formed across his face.

"Sub-Zero, you can do that freezing garbage, right," his boss asked in between bites of a sloppy, overloaded sandwich.

Sub-Zero sighed as contents of the sandwich spilled onto his freshly mopped floor. "Yes, I have learned that art. Would you like to abuse it for your own gains in order to receive a bonus?"

"Absolutely!" chimed Paul. The concept of 'electronics plus water equals bad' didn't bother to enter his mind. It would be a complete waste of time.

The server room was quite small and poorly lit. Grime and fungus had claimed this room sometime back during the Pentium II processor craze, and the floor was covered in a grime that would make most weak-hearted janitors cry for their mothers.

Sub-Zero held back the desire to burst into tears and cry for his mother.

"We've been having overheating issues with the servers, and I have no idea where the tech has been lately. The last time I even heard about this place was when maintenance was talking about the door having a jamming problem," Paul said. "The hell is that?!"

Paul gasped at the sight of a skeleton propped up against one of the servers in the corner. Dust and spider webs had covered the old stack of bones, and several sticky notes were posted on the walls around it. He carefully pulled one from the wall and read aloud.

"The door is still jamming. You might want to look into that when you find my body. –James"

"I think you found your tech," Sub-Zero said coolly. He walked over beside his boss and plucked another, larger sticky note from the wall and read it aloud.

"This unauthorized corpse violates company policy. Human Resources kindly asks that you remove your corpse from this room within five business days. Failure to comply will result in heavy fines."

"Removal of this corpse is now overdue, and a fine of $200 will be deducted from your paycheck. Additional fines will be deducted from your next paycheck in five business days."

"This corpse has now decayed into a skeleton. You have five business days to remove your dead bones, bones, bones."

Paul sighed and shook his head in disbelief. "You can pick this up later, right?"

Sub-Zero prayed that a plane engine could crash down and kill him where he stood.

Paul's general idea of server cooling was to freeze all of the walls in the room and hoping that vapors from the ice could keep the systems cool - nevermind the heat that the servers produced of course. He figured that if the ice began to melt, he could simply have Sub-Zero freeze all of it solid again.

The warrior did as his boss asked him. He quickly used the water molecules surrounding the room's walls to freeze them over with a rock solid sheet of ice. He did have to admit that the dirt and grime in the room didn't look as bad behind the ice – including the skeleton.

Paul was thrilled with Sub-Zero's work and had granted him two paid days off whenever he wanted them – unless he was scheduled that day. Nevertheless, Sub-Zero was much happier to perform his duties for the remainder of the day after being justly rewarded for his good deed. He even greeted Psycho Tim with a smile underneath his mask and a friendly wave as the man strolled by.

"If anyone comes looking for me, I'm in the bathroom trying to flush this letter opener down the toilet," Tim informed him before running into the men's room.

Sub-Zero could later hear the heavy footsteps of his boss again as the rotund man made his way down the hall. He stopped in front of the warrior's mop bucket and breathed heavily. Sub-Zero looked up with a cheery twinkle in his eye.

"All of the servers are iced over! The systems are completely frozen! You screwed up big this time, Subby! What do you have to say for yourself?" the round man yelled in an utter rage. He stared down the thinner, cheerier Sub-Zero as if to be as intimidating as he could.

The air around Sub-Zero smelled of the larger man's breath and body odor, and it brought about a feeling of discomfort. He felt that he was being mistreated after all he had done for Paul.

This is where he drew the line.

"I do all you ask all day. I do not complain to you. I do not resist your demands. This is how you repay my gratitude? I challenge you to Mortal Kombat!"

Paul folded his large arms and stroked his chin for a moment as he carefully eyed his employee. He was trying very hard to decide which way to laugh at him.

"So that's it? That's all you have?"

"Unfortunately so," the janitor sulked.

"Right, and good for you. Anyway, forget that promotion. You're back on bucket duty until we get tired of looking at you. Just stay away from me for the rest of the week," Paul grunted as he turned his large form in the opposite direction and headed down the hallway.

Sub-Zero had never been so happy.


End file.
